I begin ‘I Can Bend Minds With My Spoon’ 2.0 with an update on whatever the fuck it is that the Freemasons are up to…

I continue to receive ‘Freemasonry Today’ to the suspiciously named ‘R Warr’. But, Comrades, I increasingly believe these charity-themed news round-ups and profiles of middle-aged men alluding to rituals too secret for publication, peppered with adverts for comfy chinos and remote-controlled armchairs, are but a front.

My friend F was out on the razz in Soho recently, when he happened across a queue at around 3am. F, together with his date, decided to join said mystery queue – and found himself at some sort of open night at Freemasons’ Hall in London.

Now, I’m somewhat familiar with Freemasonry’s recruitment struggles, thanks to my pilfered periodicals. So – while I don’t assume F is a reliable source of information – it does strike me as conceivable that the Rulers would deem trawling Soho’s finest drunks for fresh Freemason meat worth a go.

F, indeed, is a prime prospective cult member and so perused the exhibition on the past, present and future of Freemasonry with interest. Were it not for a screening of a “weird” Aleister Crowley sex-magick movie that proved off-putting to his lady friend, he’d probably be long lost to The Craft and his local lodge’s Ceremonials.

But wait! Isn’t Freemasonry all about charity and life insurance deals and the innocent, Debenhams-partywear-clad frolics of Ladies’ Nights?! Yes, that’s precisely what ‘Freemasonry Today’ wants its prospective and new joiners to believe…

For I’ve discussed the matter – and the appearance of Crowley – with my Chief Magical Consultant*, and our conclusion is that the magazine is a carefully crafted smokescreen for ritualistic sex-magick.

And good for you, Freemasons!

Like a young Luke Skywalker, it is a constant battle for me not to go to The Dark Side. And so, as I consider near-future ways to monetise my interests, curating a fake magazine full of banal golf-club-esque content that’s covertly about a sex-magick cult for middle-aged white men seems just the job for me.

Fake News

I hope the Rulers will consider this blog as an application for the position of editor the next time the spot becomes vacant.

It would certainly be preferable to me joining Cambridge Analytica or staging a coup of the Church of Scientology…


* Who, incidentally, shrugged off the stack of physical evidence of The Illuminati Plot Against Me as “completely mental”.

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