Please feel free to contact me if you are:

1. Plotting the perfect crime and need an accomplice.

2. The owner of a VW Van, a Great Dane and a big bag of weed, and are interested in driving around the country solving mysteries.

3. Seeking a wife, with whom you can create a pointlessly complex code (think: ‘The Lobster’) for a two-person mind-reading act. This position has been filled as of 05.09.2017.

4. Derren Brown and would like to invite me round for tea.